How To Even…Brew a Better Cup of Coffee

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Real Talk: Coffee is a puppy-kicking, kitten-drowning, universe-destroying drug that 199% of North America is hopelessly addicted to. Sure, coffee pushers (aka baristas) add stuff like vanilla syrup, cinnamon, or chicory (so you can pretend you know what that is) to make it taste better, but this mostly just takes up room in the cup. Nothing can hide coffee’s perfect, evil nature. Why, then, would you even bother trying to brew a better cup? It’s like wanting to get your heroin in decorator colors.

We honestly don’t know. When you’re a dedicated addict like we are, you stop caring about all the bells and whistles, things like cream, or sugar, or taste. You focus on the essentials, like instant gratification. People try to hide this, the way rich alcoholics insist on drinking nothing but $500 bottles of scotch. If push came to shove, millionaire alkies would be lining up at Willie’s Fine Spirits to get Rosie In A Skirt like the rest of us. It’s the same with coffee junkies. And yet coffee hounds constantly talk about brewing a better cup of the stuff, trash talking brewing techniques, grinding methods, temperature, ph levels, and on and on. It’s like a…