How To Even…Become a Supervillain

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Here’s the thing. In the movies and comics, everybody wants to be the hero, wear a cape, get the love and adoration of the masses. But why? Heroes get a sucky deal. Everybody expects heroes to fix their problems, and if they don’t live up to the unreasonable expectations of pretty much everyone, the capricious populace turns on them, pitchforks a-ready. The more Superheroes help them, the more help people need. All the while, heroes drag their broken bodies around, rescuing folks in distress and never getting paid for it. Screw that.

Why not break the cycle and become a supervillain? Sure, people won’t love you like they love superheroes, but they won’t turn on you, either. You know what you’re getting. And they’ll respect you, depending on how well you wear your tights.

Let’s explore some of the positives to being a Supervillain and the many, many negatives to being a Superhero.

Supervillains Support STEM

As our nation slides inexorably to the right, science education — all education — suffers. It’s almost as though the exploiters in charge don’t want the populace to wise up to what’s going on. Hmm. But you know who still supports science, technology, engineering, and madness? (Wait, the “m” stands for what, now?) Supervillains!

Supervillains need a solid background in engineering and science. Listen, you can’t build a doomsday device without a functioning understanding of particle physics. In reality, most technological advancement in America is stalled due to big business’ reliance on fossil fuels and religious bigotry. Who can break that cycle? Supervillains, that’s who. Think about it. What’s the biggest technological advance in the last five years? That dude that put that car into orbit. That was a supreme Supervillain move. Wait, you don’t think a guy named Elon Musk is a supervillain? Lol ok. Good luck with that.

Supervillains Employ Unskilled Labor

If you don’t have a college degree — and who can afford that these days — where are you going to work? Fast food? Retail? These are…