How To Even…Be Fashionable

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

You’re a famous surgeon. You’ve just finished back-to-back operations: the first saves the Pope’s life, the second separates conjoined quintuplets and also gives them each a substantial college fund. You take a well-deserved rest to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents, discovering along the way cures for several diseases modern medicine didn’t even know existed. You get back home, invent a cocktail that cures hangovers, and build your kid a tree house that is a 1/10 scale replica of Machu Picchu.

What do all these accomplishments amount to?

Nothing. You’re a failure. All the wonderful things you’ve done don’t amount to a hill of decaf coffee flavor crystals, and the reason is that you’ve neglected the one essential factor that makes life worth living, that makes you, in fact, a human being.

Fashion

Fashion is what separates us from all other living things (except for capybaras. Capybaras are unbelievably fashionable. They’re born wearing fur coats!). But why is fashion so important?

Pretend you’re a monkey. You might have more bananas than any other monkey, or be the best looking monkey in Monkeytown, or be President-for-Life Monkey, or — in fact — be all three.