How To Even…Be a Fancy Wine Snob

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Drinking a box of wine on a lunch break is one of the splendors of modern life. Returning to the office with red teeth, throwing up in your mouth a little when you try to say hi to your boss; there’s really very little that says Work/Life Balance! more effectively. But that’s the cheap stuff. What about folks who look at wine as a status symbol and not a way to get loose? We call those people Wine Snobs. Or we would, if they’d let us onto the Country Club grounds. Or acknowledged our existence.

The thing about expensive wine is that no one actually enjoys the taste of it. Sure, plenty of people drink fancy wine, and some of them pretend to like it. Fancy wine is part of a long tradition of rich people pretending to like terrible things so as to maintain their status. Caviar, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Capitalism are all examples of things rich people pretend to enjoy so that other rich people don’t make fun of them. If rich people were capable of honest communication, they’d realize that nobody likes this stuff, and they’d stop it, but that’s asking for a lot of self-realization they simply don’t have.

What is fancy wine?

Fancy wine (like all wine) is rotten grapes that are putting on airs. Grapes so rotten that if you drink them, they make you just the tiniest bit sick. We call this…