How To Even…Avoid Alien Abduction

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

(NOTE: October is the month when HALLOWEEN HAPPENS. You can tell because stores are taking down next year’s Christmas displays and putting up the following year’s Valentine’s Day displays, just like Capitalism intended.

Of course, Big Distraction has gotten so good that we can’t remember what happened last week, and have no idea what’s supposed to happen a week from now. Some people call this neurological damage, and others call it Livin’ The Dream. Either way, we, the authors of this blog, are here to help. You see, we’re a lot like elephants: we never use deodorant, we never hold in our farts, and we never forget.

So, every Thursday in the month of Octember (whatever), we’ll be posting an informative and factual blog post covering a vital Halloween-related topic. This way, you won’t be caught by surprise when people show up at your door and demand treats, on October 31st. Or October Threedee-onesie.)

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Now we return to our regularly scheduled program: How To Even…Avoid Alien Abduction, already in progress.

You’re probably expecting us to talk about science. Well, we ain’t gonna. We’re gonna talk about aliens. There are an infinite number of stars with who knows how many planets. (Okay, a little science.) Odds are, some of them are habitable, which means aliens probably exist. Make that totally exist. We’re optimists. The question of whether they could get here is a tough one because, hey, we don’t know everything. They could very well have figured out some way of getting here we haven’t. And if we go down that road, we’ll be there all day, because there’s a gelato stand. But that’s not what we want to talk about. We want to talk about alien abductions.

Aliens are a capricious bunch of foxy grandpas. One minute, they’re rescuing us from our own hubris, the next, they’re doing stuff to our butts without our consent. Honestly, it sounds like a good time all around, but we don’t claim to speak for everyone. Or anyone. Or ourselves. Or the trees. Regardless, all of this probably raises the question of whether one even should avoid alien abduction.

Pros to Being Abducted

  • Great story you can probably sell.
  • Meet new “people.”
  • Loosens you up.
  • Travel to exotic places.

Cons to Being Abducted

  • Literally none come to mind.

Really, this “How To Even” should be called How To Even…*Get* Abducted by Aliens. Think about it like this: look around. Governments across the world are shifting toward fascism. The environmental toll of unrestrained Capitalism is looking bleak. We’ve got droughts, food shortages, and increased geographical tensions between countries to look forward to (that means war — basically, people are going to keep leaving areas that become harder to live in, and other people aren’t going to want them to, and those that remain will fight over the remaining resources). Things are going to be very tough for a lot of people for the foreseeable future.

But aliens could fix all that! They could come undo our environmental problems, probably with like a laser or a Zargon Ray or something else we don’t understand but that sounds cool. They could fix our dependency on fossil fuels. They could probably give us a pill that makes us able to take in energy from the sun like a freaking plant. Then we’d never have to poop again! Or…maybe we would fertilize ourselves (we haven’t really thought this through). And we wouldn’t have to fix all these problems we’ve made for ourselves through our sheer stupidity.

Or, maybe they aren’t benevolent. So, they’ll come here and start gathering people up to serve at Earthburger, the new galactic fast food hot spot. Well, that sucks, but honestly, don’t we kind of deserve to be eaten? You know some of us do. And this total annihilation would also solve our problems, or replace them, so, not exactly win-win, but maybe a sort of draw. (We just have to convince them the rich taste better than the poor, which is probably true, let’s be honest. They can afford healthcare, after all.)

Also, what if the aliens are really hot? Sure, most alien abductees report that the aliens are weird little gray or green things, like Gumby without Pokey, but what if they actually look like Chris Hemsworth? He plays an alien in those comic book movies, we think. Also, he’s from Australia, which is basically Mars.

Also also, getting abducted is probably going to be a great story to tell. Unfortunately, aliens are known to wipe minds so you can’t remember a lot of the details, but a little mystery could actually make the story more interesting. Sure, your cousin went to Bermuda, but you went to the stars. Or, you know, like a mile above a cornfield. But still.

Abduction Avoidance

If you’re still not on board the alien abduction train, we understand. Some people are just afraid to live their best lives. So, you don’t want to be abducted, probed, possibly eaten. Here are a few pointers on avoiding it.

Avoid rural areas, especially mysterious roads, secluded cabins, or anywhere Fox Mulder frequents (You can tell Mulder has been there because he always leaves graffiti behind that says “Fox wuz here” with a drawing of a little cartoon guy with a big nose peeking over a wall).

But avoiding alien hotspots is just the beginning. Let’s say you’re quietly sleeping in your bed in your cute little suburban home you’ve completely paid off. Yes, that’s right, this is fiction, but pay attention anyway. Suddenly, blinding blue-white lights flash right through the window and into your face. This is followed by a John Williams’s score. Or maybe a theremin. Doesn’t matter. The point is now you’re wide awake, wondering what those rascally teenage neighborhood pranksters are up to. Do you:

  1. Dial 911 and report someone trespassing on your lawn with a Klieg light?
  2. Put on a robe and slippers and head outside to give these jokers a piece of your mind?
  3. Reach for the roll of aluminum foil you keep under your pillow and start cocooning yourself with it, while projecting the thought that the folks next door are really worth meeting?

Let’s say you pick number 2 (in other words, you’ve failed the first test). You go outside and the weird light is gone. But there’s a loud crackling and humming noise, a strange wind is blowing the trees around like crazy, and there’s the strong odor of ozone in the air, which smells like…gah, what? Cocoa Puffs? Snausages? Kelp? Damned if we know.

You walk out to the middle of your front lawn, and — guess what? — the alien high beam snaps back on, this time from overhead, right down on you. Suddenly, you’re paralyzed. Have you become allergic to headlamps? You don’t know, but this can’t be good. You feel yourself levitating, being slowly pulled up through the cone of light to its source. You’re about to be sucked up into an alien mothership with all the attendant and uncomfortable procedures to follow.

But it’s not too late for some desperate attempts to avoid abduction. On the way up, relax your body. If possible, fart. This might confuse the aliens into thinking you know the galactically advanced language of “Buttspeak,” and they’ll be cowed by your sophistication and let you go.

As you approach the saucer, check to see if there are any bumper stickers, such as “I Break for Uranus,” “Grass, ass, or cash: Everybody glorbfnerks,” “My other mothership is a Telsa,” etc. This will give you a clue as to the aliens’ intelligence, political leanings, or weaknesses. You can use these to ingratiate yourself, and then ask for a rain check, because you have tickets to a King Crimson reunion concert on Friday. Aliens are super into King Crimson, and will understand.

The ship’s door dilates and in you go. This is the point for some misdirection, negotiation, or desperate pleading. First, ask if there’s a cover charge or a dress code. Then you can say you left your wallet in your other set of pants, or you need to get a tie. If they send you back down, you can run into the basement and wall yourself in. If that doesn’t work, you can say you just stopped in to say that you need to reschedule your colonoscopy for next week, because you just got invited to Outback Steakhouse’s All You Can Eat Tuesday, so you won’t be able to clean out the pipes until, hmm, sometime next month.

Other Tactics You Can Try

· Act as if the ship is an Uber or Lyft, and ask to be dropped at Sammy’s Bar.

· Tell them you contracted Alien Papillomavirus from a Venusian a few months back, and you haven’t had any treatment yet. That Venusian was a freak, so it was kind of worth it, but still…

·Lawyer up. Get a sleazy moray eel with a J.D. to hit the aliens with injunctions, cease and desist orders, big dollar lawsuits, restraining orders — the whole legal magillah. If the annoyance factor is high enough, they’ll probably dump you for easier prey.

·Cite them for violations and infractions of the Alien Abduction Rulebook. “Section VII, paragraph (a), subparagraph (iv) states that...” Same idea here as in lawyering up. You’re too annoying and punctilious to abduct, so they’ll cut their losses and move on.

Plan B (Or C? We Lost Count)

If you are abducted, the first thing you should do is panic. This is known as Plan B. We don’t know much about aliens, but we do know they aren’t like us. They probably don’t know how to handle us or our hissyfits. Sure, they’ve observed us and figured out some basic stuff, but if you go batshit, they probably won’t know how to deal. So, poop in your hand and throw it. Wear white after labor day. Be a libertarian. Ask to speak to a manager. Anything to make them think being stuck with you in a faster-than-light starship for any length of time is not worth the candle.

What Are You In For?

Everyone knows about the anal probes, and, really, it’s become a total cliche that sounds a lot like wishful thinking. However, what most people don’t know is that the grant funding for the anal probe study ran out years ago. The aliens only keep doing it because it’s expected of them, and abductees give the aliens a bad review on Yelp if they don’t get probed. So, at this point, the whole anal probe shtick has become kind of perfunctory, given the lack of funding, the inherent tedium, and so forth. Basically, an alien is going to give you a quick poke on each cheek with a glowing wand, make some check marks on a clipboard sheet, and waive you through. It’s a living.

On the other hand, the math section of the abduction is a bitch. You might want to brush up on your algebra and pre-calc skills. We know some tutors who can help refresh your number know-how for very reasonable rates (No relation to authors of the blog! That would be a conflict of interest. We would never ever do that (reveal: we’re totally doing it)). Also, don’t forget to show your work. Aliens are real sticklers for that.

Then there’s the tax audit and financial planning session. There’s no way to sugar coat it: this one is a killer. Make sure you keep all your receipts, medical bills and reimbursements, monthly statements and so on handy. The alien Green Shades are going to drill down on this so hard, you’ll be begging to be anally probed just for the relief. Sorry to drop this on you, but alien abduction is not all cuddles and kissyfaces with Chris Hemsworth.

Another thing aliens like to do is erase people’s memories. We can’t remember why. Maybe it’s so they can keep getting away with whatever they’re doing. Maybe they think we don’t know about them. Maybe it’s to protect copyright. Honestly, who among us wouldn’t pay good money to have some memories erased? There’s a decent chance they can target specific memories. Just imagine all the embarrassment — and, you know, trauma — you could get rid of. All for the price of an anal probe. Sounds like a win-win.

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Odds are, aliens exist. Odds also are, they’re so far away, we’ll never see them. But, if their technology is advanced enough, they could travel in some way we can’t currently fathom, like a fuel efficient SUV, so maybe aliens are here. Maybe they’ve been here for years. If so, can you blame them for not wanting to reach out? Have you met us? Or, maybe aliens are just really shy. They want to ask us to dance but can’t work up the courage. Or maybe they’re on the run from the Galactic Council for unspeakable crimes. Another possibility is that aliens looked around, decided cats were the dominant species, and have been blowing up Mr. Pants’ pager for-ever, but the cats never call them back because they’re cats. Whatever the case, being abducted by aliens probably more interesting than whatever you had planned for a Thursday night. So, give it a shot.

The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe Archives: https://medium.com/@howtoeven/how-to-even-archives-3eeea1f52d31

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