How To Even…Apply for a Government Job

Now that the Federal Government has returned after having wandered off who knows where and who knows why after we left alone it in the parking lot — IT WAS FOR 5 MINUTES! — many of you are wondering What Now? Here’s an Idea:

Everybody wants to complain about government bureaucracy, but give them a chance to get those government bennies and they’re whistling a different tune. One that they can’t quite remember, and then they realize it was actually two different songs they’ve somehow conflated and now they’re standing in the middle of the sidewalk whistling furiously for a moment and then stopping and looking confused and then whistling again while people pass on either side with fear on their faces.

Bennies

But we digress. (It’s kind of our thing.) Yes, the government is full of bureaucracy, and yes, it often offers great bennies. But let’s explore that for a moment — what do we mean by bennies? Little pills that make you feel like a sleepy king? We wish. No, we mean benefits. Health insurance, job security, competitive salaries, the ability to grant wishes to questing adventurers, all that stuff in old timey books that doesn’t really exist much anymore. (Like unicorns or unions or other things starting with the letter “u.”)

The primary benefit to a government job does, in fact, come from the bureaucracy — more about that later. Government jobs are regulated. Once you get one, you’ve got a probationary period of maybe six months, and then, you’re in. It’s stable — the government might shut down for a few days, but otherwise, you’ve pretty much got a job until you retire. Which is crazy. Also, when you retire, you’ll get a retirement, which, again, crazy. Like, a real one that won’t just be cancelled by the billionaire CEO who runs the company.

Also, also, because the government is so regulated, gubbies (government workers) have clearly laid out periodic evaluations which can lead to regular raises. (For you youngsters, a raise is when the company you work for gives you more money. No, really. It’s a thing — or, it used to be.)