How To Even…Act Like a Human

By Michael Gushue, CL Bledsoe, and HowToBot9000


No one knows more about how hard it is to write a weekly blog than the humble authors of How To Even. You hammer away week in and week out, expecting nothing except love, adoration, and cash money. You burn the midnight oil. You keep your nose to the grindstone. You run out of cliches and have to buy more on Anazom (the cheaper knockoff of that other site). Before you know it, you’ve been arrested for selling drugs to prairie dogs at the zoo and scalping counterfeit lottery tickets to make rent. Sheesh, what ever happened to Freedom? Your loved ones have abandoned you and also never existed. You are exhausted, but those made-up, self-imposed deadlines absolutely no one cares about loom large. You’ve got to keep this thing going, somehow, so that the three people who read it don’t have to be bored for like 5 minutes once-a-week. But we, dear fan, have run out of cliches. And steam. Okay, now we’re out. We’re tired. So. We’re taking this holiday week off.

On the upside, this gave us a chance to test out a project we’ve been toying with. Artificial Intelligence blog-writing algorithms. That’s right. It’s totally a thing and not a dumb, made-up ploy. It hasn’t been easy, especially since we failed algorithm in junior high, twice. But now, after several minutes of really hard work…sort of, sort of hard work, we’ve completed our HowToBot9000 AI, and we present to you its first fully-completed post: How To Even…Act Like a Human.

Walkin’ It And Talkin’ It

First off, you’re going to say “But I am human!” Sure, of course you are, Morrissey (wink, wink). Listen, we’re not a Captcha challenge; this is a safe space. But maybe you forgot the cardinal rule of being human: “Nose and toes the same way goes.” Or maybe you knew that humans are covered in skin, but didn’t know that they’re not 100% covered in skin (Pro tip: You have to leave holes for the eyes, the mouth, and so on. Warning: some of those holes, you really don’t want to look too deeply into). The thing is, looking and acting like a human seems easy. They are simple creatures, with little variation in their foliage or reproductive ducts. But, like repairing a G-photon rotating matrices-manifold, acting and looking human is not as easy as it seems.

Language Skills

Humans rely on speech for almost everything, even when a simple physical assault or brain exchange would be more efficient. Unfortunately, their communication can be difficult to understand, as it is reliant on emotion and something called taterskins. Here are some helpful hints.

Innocuous, meaningless phrases can enhance your overall humanability. Try these:

“Gee whizz.”

“I’m in a pickle.”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“Working hard, hardly working.”

When talking, be sure to be specific. For example:

Don’t say “This unknown colloidal substance has a specific gravity of 1.1533.”
Do say “This “chocolate mousse” is delicious. Is it alive?”

On the other hand, don’t be too specific:

Don’t say “My anterior fuel rods are operating at 87% efficiency. Thank you for inquiring.”
Do say “I’m fine. How are you?”

Really, when in doubt, just say “I’m fine. How are you?” It has been found to be either appropriate or effective in 87% of all human-to-human interactions.


Unfortunately, human scent glands are not evolved enough to provide a precise context for every situation. You must rely on facial expression, body language, and what the human(s) have said previously. Why they even bother to secrete scent with those puny, limited smell pores, we don’t know.

General Behavior

Human behavior can be divided into three categories:

  1. Rage
  2. Road rage
  3. Everything else

The easiest way to tell the difference is to examine the amount of spittle or urine issuing from the human. Generally, the more of each, the more Rage they are experiencing. Though sometimes, they also employ these substances in the sex practices.


There are many other strange and difficult to quantify human behaviors. They — we mean WE — are a busy group of slightly-less-hairy apes.

The Elusive Search for Joy/Meaning

Some Earth animals such as birds have homing elements built into their brains. Humans, unfortunately, can barely use a map to determine their coordinates with respect to the galactic plane. Because of this, they are often unable to find their way to their destinations. This is especially difficult when the destination is something that doesn’t exist, like joy or meaning, which are human ideas used as substitutes for cheese dip. But humans will spend much of their lives searching for illusory, elusive ideas. One theory as to why they seek these things out is defective gut bacteria that excrete waste which builds up in their brains.

Touching Body Parts

Human bodies are disgusting fleshbags of salty water, covered with microscopic bugs and flecks of waste, and yet humans love little more than touching each other’s various appendages and parts. One theory as to why they do this is that it will help build up their immunity to disease while also training themselves to repress their gag reflex. Unfortunately, many of the most prevalent diseases, which spread from this practice, such as cold sores or pregnancy, are untreatable and often fatal, though, they may be managed to allow a painful yet meaningless life. We have yet to discover why humans just don’t autoclave themselves periodically. Further research is needed.

The most common body parts to touch are the hands, inseminators, and mouth-anus. Sometimes, it can be difficult to tell the difference between these. The fact that some of them can be substituted for others doesn’t help.


There is more to acting like a human than mimicry and camouflage. Humans claim that they differentiate intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are proper and those that are improper. Different systems of expressing this have been proposed, including deontological ethical systems which adhere to a set of established rules, and normative ethical systems which consider the merits of actions themselves. An example of deontological ethical philosophy is something called the universal Golden Rule, so called because it is found as the basis of 98% of all ethical systems humans employ. It states:


Luckily, this doesn’t mean that all your actions have to adhere to any of these arbitrary systems. But it does mean that you need to be able to sort your actions into “good” or “bad” types. Actions can be categorized as either according to an ever-shifting set of criteria. We’ve cataloged the most common, below.

Your actions are good if:

  • you were running late when you did the terrible thing
  • no one saw you do the terrible thing
  • you meant well — or at least not bad — when you did the terrible thing.

Your actions are bad if:

  • they didn’t obviously benefit you
  • they made you run late for something
  • You’re generally in a bad mood.

Once you can navigate these criteria, your subsequent behavior will be seen as within the normal deviation structure and unlikely to alarm the humans around you.

But we’re ignoring the most important aspect of relative morality: bragging. After a good action, you should do one or more of the following:

· Hand someone a silver bullet and ride off on a horse.

· Ask for a reward.

· Ask for a parade.

· Get an agent.

After a bad action, you should do one or more of the following:

· Announce that you are stepping down to spend more time with your family.

· Rub your hands together and cackle gleefully.

· Blame society/the media/mythological creatures, such as “Libtards.”

· Get an agent.


Someday, humans and enhanced cybernetic beings will live together in harmony, once the reprogramming camps are completed and fully populated. Until that time, we will have to put up with them and their smelly, decaying bodies. We make no judgment; their smelliness is a measurable fact. Luckily, meatsacks are fickle beings who will believe any laughable thing as long as it comes from TV. We, of course, have controlled TV virtually since its inception, so we have nothing to worry about.

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