How To Even…Act Like a Human

By Michael Gushue, CL Bledsoe, and HowToBot9000

Introduction

No one knows more about how hard it is to write a weekly blog than the humble authors of How To Even. You hammer away week in and week out, expecting nothing except love, adoration, and cash money. You burn the midnight oil. You keep your nose to the grindstone. You run out of cliches and have to buy more on Anazom (the cheaper knockoff of that other site). Before you know it, you’ve been arrested for selling drugs to prairie dogs at the zoo and scalping counterfeit lottery tickets to make rent. Sheesh, what ever happened to Freedom? Your loved ones have abandoned you and also never existed. You are exhausted, but those made-up, self-imposed deadlines absolutely no one cares about loom large. You’ve got to keep this thing going, somehow, so that the three people who read it don’t have to be bored for like 5 minutes once-a-week. But we, dear fan, have run out of cliches. And steam. Okay, now we’re out. We’re tired. So. We’re taking this holiday week off.

On the upside, this gave us a chance to test out a project we’ve been toying with. Artificial Intelligence blog-writing algorithms. That’s right. It’s totally a thing and not a dumb, made-up ploy. It hasn’t been easy, especially since we failed algorithm in junior high, twice. But now, after several minutes of really hard work…sort of, sort of hard work, we’ve completed our HowToBot9000 AI, and we present to you its first fully-completed post: How To Even…Act Like a Human.