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Now that the Federal Government has returned after having wandered off who knows where and who knows why after we left alone it in the parking lot — IT WAS FOR 5 MINUTES! — many of you are wondering What Now? Here’s an Idea:

Everybody wants to complain about government bureaucracy, but give them a chance to get those government bennies and they’re whistling a different tune. …


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You get home from work (i.e., you close your laptop and move from the right side of your couch — the work site — to the left side of the couch — “home”) and start thinking about suppertime. There are four foodstuffs in your fridge — espresso-flavored yogurt, a jar of pickled jalapenos, beer, a little container of non-dairy creamer, and beer. Except for the beer, everything is past its so-called expiration date. In your cupboard is a can of nacho sauce, a can of beans, a single English muffin, and a plate that once had food on it but now has a dried kevlar coating of many colors. …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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We all have stress in our lives. Work. Family drama. Bills. Timmy. What would be great would be if we could find a way to release some of that stress in a productive way that might lead to something useful or at least tangible. But there’s never time for that. …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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You wake up on New Year’s Eve. You’ve got the day off, there are frozen waffles in the freezer, your girlfriend Pam has a birth control patch. Life is Good.

You do the first thing everyone does before getting out of bed. You check your cell phone. The weather’s good. There’s no horrifying news for a change. You get another pop up ad for those New Year’s party hats. “Free! Free! Free! Golden New Year’s Party Hat! Built In Old Lang Syne tune! Built in litre of Jagermeister! Text 666999 for a free, sparkly-as-hell party hat. Duese! Deuse! Duese it up! DEUSE!!! …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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A CHRISTMAS STORY

You wake up on Christmas morning. Although there was nothing in last night’s weather report, a major snowstorm must have blown through while you were asleep. You look out the window and as far as you can see is a thick, soft blanket of white covering everything. The houses, lawns, streets, and even the trees are completely wrapped in snow. Snow is clinging to the cars and street lamps. When you look down the street a bit you see on the sidewalk some weird snow-covered pillars that weren’t there before. …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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One of the many wonderful things about the Xmas season is an opportunity not to be a human superfund site. For once. Only at Xmas can you give gifts to people without it looking suspicious, or scammy, or skeevy (though if you’re giving them a pair of underwear with a camera not-so subtly crammed in, that’s probably still going to look questionable to the “squares”). But every opportunity is also a problem in disguise. And a crisis. And an anxiety-driven nightmare. And then back to opportunity. But then an explosion. Explosion!explosion!explosion! …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Note: This is set in a magical time before or after COVID-19. Or, you know, now if you’re poor and still have to go to work. You should bookmark this valuable guide for when it becomes pertinent again, like the year 2027.

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One of the weirdest things about society is that you aren’t supposed to sleep in the most sleep-inducing places. Business meetings. Doctors appointments. Job interviews. Sexual encounters with local flora. You’re supposed to sit there while people drone on, soporifically, or do some repetitive task that would numb the perkiest of brains. If you happen to nod off while, say, standing in line at the DMV or driving a bus, people get all weird about it, just because you’re fluffing them up to use as a pillow or pulling them on top of you as a blanket. …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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Here’s some truth juice: everyone loves diet fads. The folks who invent them love diet fads because money. The people who follow diet fads love them because self-esteem and body image. The amazing thing is that every couple of years or so there’s a brand new diet fad that either (1) completely contradicts the previous diet fad, or (2) is exactly the same as the previous diet fad but with a different name. When did all this diet fad rigamarole start?

Probably in ancient Rome. …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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If you’ve been out of touch lately, binge watching all 20 seasons of The Flying Nun reboot: 2 Sexy for This Habit, we have some good news that you may have missed.

The only thing you need to be healthy is to have the right kind of germs living inside your body.

Shocked? Alarmed? Skeptical? We understand, and yet there’s a grain of truth to that medical statement we just pulled out of our butts. …


By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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You wake up from your glutinous post-Thanksgiving haze to find Mamaw’s house deserted. You call and call, but no one answers. In the dining room, where once a great feast was laid out, now, there are strange red splotches — they almost look like slime trails. Or maybe they’re blood trails. You’re kind of freaking out. You try your cell, but there’s no service.

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How To Even…

The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe Archives: https://medium.com/@howtoeven/how-to-even-archives-3eeea1f52d31

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